Sticks and Stones

 When I was a kit, innocent and starry-eyed, there was something my mother would tell me when one of the bigger kits chose me as their victim and taunted me for one reason or another.

''"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words never can." I'm in the nursery, tiny flanks heaving, fighting the tears that sparkle in my sunshine eyes. A nursery rhyme. A kit's tale. But my mother's honeyed voice soothes me nonetheless, lulls me into a deep sleep, where I'm loved and admired, and no one dares to cross me.''

I've carried that with me through the years, let the words echo in my mind like a bird's sweet song. It means more to me now than ever.

''I'm an apprentice, and my paws are pounding against the frozen ground, the sound echoing in my ears - or is that my heart? I can't tell. I can smell my fear, and that means they can too. It's thick and choking, clouding my thoughts and clawing at my lungs until I'm dizzy and winded. I keep running. I can't stop. Can't look back.''

I look back.

I hear the whispers, the hushed giggles. I see the disgusted glares, the smirks. I see all, hear all. I am a monster. A freak.

A nobody.

Kits squeal when they see me. Elders shake their head, disappointed. She-cats snicker and whisper, their gemstone eyes gleaming with disgust. Toms laugh and give me pitying glances. No one has the common decency to treat me as an equal. Even the leader, who I adored so much, glares at me. But what hurts the most is the look I receive from my mother.

Her azure eyes, once so gentle, like the soft petals of an iris, burn my pelt with the intensity of a flame. I can feel her gaze, even when I can't see her. She is always there, always watching.

Always judging.

''I'm in the medicine den. At least, I think that's where I am. I can smell herbs, but my eyes are still closed. I don't want to open them. Why am I here? I can't remember. I lift my head and it all comes rushing back to me in a wave of sharp pain .''

So much pain .

My head is muzzy with sleep, and a deep, throbbing ache in the left side of my face quickly makes me aware of how lucky I've been in avoiding injuries.

Until now.

Sticks and stones, sticks and stones.

They are not what break my bones.

The words of these cruel creatures are. Their words are barbed, sharper than the claws that cost me my left eye. They are deadly.

I am not the monster. They are.

They are monsters, carved of ice and bone.

Their words are poison, slowly eating away at my heart , burrowing into my soul.

''I'm walking out of the medicine den for the first time since the accident. My steps are slow, my paws shuffling forward one at a time. I am cautious, still stiff and tense with pain .''

I am scared .

''The camp falls into a hush. Countless pairs of eyes turn to me. They are wide, scared, disgusted. They pierce my flesh like fangs, cutting deeper than my wounds .''

I swallow.

''I want to run, to hide , But my head is pounding and my heart is racing , and I can feel every scratch and scar on my body burning under their unblinking gazes. A flash of silver distracts me, and I snatch my gaze away from theirs, looking down. A puddle.''

''I can see my reflection. I've been asking the medicine cat for days about my injuries, when I'll recover''.

Now I know that I never will.

''My face is marred by scratches, irritated pink flesh where soft fur should be. My left eye is clouded, looking dull compared to my other eye. The scars travel down my neck, my flanks. They begin to sting with a new kind of pain. My eyes well with tears, making my head hurt even worse.''

''I limp back to the medicine den as fast as my numb paws will carry me, collapsing in my nest with a weak sob. The movement makes my head pulse with pain .''

I know what I am now.

I know what they see me as.

I live in shadow now, any ambition I once had extinguished. I hide my face, stay out of the spotlight. Not that anyone wants me in the spotlight.

I am a wraith, a figure of shadows and scars. I drift from place to place.

Alone.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words never can."

They were wrong.