The One Who Couldn't

The One Who Couldn't is a one-shot by Wavepaw for Frosty's one-shot contest. It's in the Stream Falling universe, simply because Wavepaw really likes a lot of the names and she wanted to reuse them. It doesn't interfere with the plot.

The One Who Couldn't
From the moment I was born, I knew I was destined to be a medicine cat.

It had always interested me. I was fascinated with StarClan. I loved herbs and healing other cats and I learned them quickly. I helped out in the medicine den, and became close with the medicine cat, Hollyheart. She didn’t have an apprentice. It was perfect.

Everyone thought that I would be apprenticed to her when I reached six moons. It wasn’t a secret that I wanted desperately to be a medicine cat, and that I was the right cat for the job. Sometimes cats came to me with injuries or illnesses when Hollyheart was busy – nothing serious, just a light cough or a scratched pad.

But it never happened.

When I was five moons old, Briarleaf’s kits became apprentices. I watched, not in awe or desperation or impatience. I wouldn’t be a warrior apprentice like them.

Briarleaf had three kits, just like my mother. Tawnypaw became an apprentice first. Then Starlingpaw. Both warrior apprentices.

Then it was Berrypaw’s turn.

I watched, wondering which warrior would be her mentor. She was a very fast cat, so I expected Squirrelfall or Frostfire, just to keep up with her. Or maybe Mouseshade… They seemed to have a connection.

But it wasn’t any of the cats that I had named.

It wasn’t even a warrior.

It was Hollyheart.

I watched in horror and disbelief, my mouth falling open, as Swiftstar recited the words that were special to a medicine cat apprentice’s ceremony. I had played this moment over in my head – but with me in Berrypaw’s place. It was heartbreaking, to watch from the sides. But I couldn’t protest. I couldn’t interrupt. I couldn’t do anything. I was frozen as Berrypaw easily accepted. She didn’t even glance at me! Neither did Swiftstar or Hollyheart! It was like I had suddenly ceased to exist. The only cats looking at me where my quiet Clanmates, shooting me looks of pity and surprise.

When the meeting broke up, I heard them murmuring about it. Everyone pretty much said the same thing: “Poor Sunkit.” And poor me indeed. Berrypaw had  stolen  my position, and everyone knew it! But no one complained. No one asked why I wasn’t medicine cat apprentice. Berrypaw, Hollyheart, and Swiftstar acted like they were deaf.

The next morning, I stayed away from Hollyheart’s den. My brother, Rowankit, showed me the hunter’s crouch and the battle moves that Morningpaw and Shadepaw had taught him and my sister Lilykit while I was off with Hollyheart. I tried to focus, but I couldn’t accept my fate as a future warrior apprentice, something that seems like a given for most kits.

I spent most of the day wandering around sadly, trying to figure it out.

Berrypaw was never interested in Hollyheart and medicine as a kit. I only remembered her coming to the medicine den when Starlingpaw had whitecough and she was worried about him. She certainly hadn’t put in the effort as a kit like I did.

Maybe Hollyheart had a dream about her. Or me. But  I  wouldn’t do anything bad! I loved my Clan! And as a medicine cat I could care for the other Clans if needed, and I was perfectly fine with that.

What could Berrypaw do?

//-//

In the next few days, I saw everything in a new, darker light.

When I saw my mother, Snowberry, I noticed that she had Berrypaw’s prefix as a suffix. She didn’t deserve that.

When I saw Sorrelshade had a thorn in her paw, I realized that she would be going to Hollyheart and Berrypaw, the traitor and the thief, for treatment. I could have done that. Much better than Berrypaw could.

When I saw Tawnypaw and Starlingpaw, I saw them not as my fellow kits and denmates or new apprentices, but as the siblings of the thief who were turning a blind eye to what was being done to me.

When I saw Swiftstar, I saw him not as my leader, but the accomplice in the crime. I vowed that from now on, I would look to Darkbird, the deputy. Not Swiftstar or Hollyheart, and certainly not Berrypaw.

I decided then and there that I would be leader and make sure this never happened again. I would he the best warrior they had ever seen.

At five moons old, I threw myself into training.

//-//

It was here. The day that I had neither dreaded nor excited about. The day that had only seemed like an official declaration.

But not anymore.

It was still hard to come to terms with. I still instinctively turned toward Hollyheart’s den when I was feeling sad or bored. I still blinked in confusion whenever I saw Berrypaw come out of the medicine den or treat somebody. I still dipped my head in respect to Swiftstar when he talked to me.

Respect, pffffft. Why should I respect the accomplice of the terrible crime that I was a victim of?

“Sunkit, Rowankit, Lilykit, step forward.”

I could see Snowberry and my father, Thrushfang, beaming at us proudly. I could see the warm eyes of the Clan staring at us. I could see my brother and sister grinning nervously, quickly scanning the cats, wondering who would be their mentors.

I had always thought that I wouldn’t have to do that. I would just look at Hollyheart and she’d smile back at me knowingly.

But no, no, Berrypaw stood beside Hollyheart, green eyes bright. She met my gaze and smiled at me, as if nothing was wrong.

It took every ounce of self-control I had to keep from ripping out her throat.

I barely smiled back at her before tearing my gaze away.

“Cats of ThunderClan,” Swiftstar began. “We are here to witness one of the most important ceremonies in Clan life: the apprenticeship ceremony. Lilykit, please step forward.”

I watched numbly, unwillingly comparing it to Berrypaw’s ceremony in my head.

The ceremonies of my siblings passed by quickly. Lilypaw received Dawnwhisker as her mentor, and Rowanpaw got Nightbreeze. Two formidable she-cats. I cheered their names as loud as I could.

Now it was my turn.

“Sunkit, come forward.”

I did. I stepped forward, looking into the amber eyes of the cat who had stolen my future. No regret or triumph was swimming in them. There was something else, something I couldn’t read.

“Sunkit, from this moment on you shall be known as Sunpaw.”

This was expected.

I stole a quick glance back at Hollyheart. She was watching, of course. I had kind of expected her to not. Out of hatred or regret. But no, she was definitely watching.

This was the part where Swiftstar named her as my mentor. Where he asked me if I would accept the post of medicine cat apprentice. Where he performed the special ceremony that made it all official and binding.

“I will be your mentor.”

WHAT?!

Swiftstar ?! The one who had stolen my rank and my future? The leader I swore I would never look up to?

Him?

Why?

He leaps down to meet me and I numbly touch noses with him. It shouldn’t be him. It should’ve been Hollyheart.

But no.

Realization sinks in.

I’m stuck with him. I’m stuck with Swiftstar as my mentor.

Lilypaw and Rowanpaw come bouncing over to me the moment the ceremony is finished. I unconsciously remember Starlingpaw and Tawnypaw doing the same to Berrypaw after their ceremony.

“Wow!” Lilypaw gasps. “The leader is your mentor!”

“Yeah,” I agree absently. I’m still pondering it.

Rowanpaw wrinkles his nose. “Nightbreeze is so strict!”

Nightbreeze comes up from behind him and gently whacks him across the shoulders with her tail. “Nightbreeze heard all that and will be even stricter,” she reprimands him teasingly.

Lilypaw and I laugh, but mine is forced. I wonder if anyone will ask me if I’m choking, but nobody does.

“Hey, Sunpaw!” That’s Swiftstar. “Time to go explore the territory!” His voice is kind, gentle, friendly. He’s smiling at me. Not a fake smile.

It’s like he’s forgotten.

How could he have forgotten so quickly?

I realize he’s at the entrance, waiting for me.

I pad after him.

//-//

All throughout my apprenticeship, my focus is spilt. Half is constantly pondering Berrypaw as medicine cat apprentice, coming up with new ideas and evidence every day, avoiding her and Hollyheart. When I got a thorn in my paw, I pulled it out myself rather than go to them. When I had my first battle, a border skirmish with ShadowClan, I did have to go to them. I made it as quick as possible. It still hurt, seeing Berrypaw where I should have been. And she was so  good. She had been training for four moons at that point, but it still hurt more than any wound I had.

The other part of me was focused on training. If I wanted to be a leader someday, to stop this from ever happening again, I had to be the best warrior apprentice. I had to prove that I could even though I had studied to be a medicine cat through most of my kithood. And that was one good part of having Swiftstar as a mentor – I could see how leadership worked from a new perspective and impress him even more. I learned to cope with him as my mentor, and he liked me. I knew a part of him was sad when I had my warrior ceremony.

Despite Swiftstar’s kindness and my determination in training, all throughout my apprenticeship I dreamed of different scenarios that ended in me being medicine cat apprentice. I dreamed of Berrypaw quitting. I dreamed of Berrypaw falling in love and being forced to quit or fired. I dreamed of Hollyheart and Swiftstar deciding she wasn’t a good medicine cat apprentice and firing her in favor of me. I even dreamed of her  death.

I dreamed more and more about the last thing as my training went on and I grew more skilled in warrior areas. And it didn’t even come close to stopping once I had my warrior ceremony.

My warrior ceremony.

It was something I had always expected to sit out. The one thing that disappointed me about being a medicine cat was that I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with my siblings. I guess I was never that close with them because I was always in Hollyheart’s den.

But through my apprenticeship I tried to become closer to them. It was a little difficult and awkward at first, but Rowanpaw seemed to be waiting for the opportunity, and Lilypaw warmed up quickly as well. They are my littermates, after all.

And now we’re about to have our warrior ceremony. Together. If it weren’t for the medicine cat stuff, that wouldn’t sound so bad.

At least I’ll be leaving Swiftstar behind.

Swiftstar performs the ceremony. I see Hollyheart and Berrypaw in the same spot they were at my apprentice ceremony, and every ceremony in between. And I’m surprised to feel not as bitter about it. I guess I’ve gotten used to it. But I’ll never set eyes on either of them without feeling at least a twinge of bitterness, jealousy, and rage.

Just like at my apprentice ceremony, Berrypaw catches my eye and smiles at me. It seems sadder than last time, but I push that away. Again, I give her a half smile and look away as Swiftstar renames my littermates to Rowanstem and Lilyshade.

Then it’s my turn.

I take the oath and lick his shoulder, and he renames me Sunblaze. That’s it. It’s over that fast.

Our new names are cheered, like last time. Snowberry and Thrushfang again congratulate us.

During the vigil, I feel like eyes are boring into my back. I turn, but I can’t see anyone except my siblings. Lilyshade gives me a weird, questioning look and I shrug in response.

It confuses me through the whole vigil, but when it’s over and I crash in my new nest, I don’t think about it for a long time.

//-//

As a warrior, I have a lot of time on my paws. I go on patrols and practice my hunting and fighting skills to keep them sharp.

And I daydream about Berryfrost’s death.

Yes, her name is Berryfrost now. She’s a full medicine cat, though I know she’s still technically an apprentice and will be until Hollyheart dies. But she’s completed her training and earned her full name, which was given to her at a secret ceremony at the half-moon medicine cat Gathering at the Moonpool. The kind I never get to go to.

I knew Hollyheart liked the suffix -frost. If I was her apprentice, would I be Sunfrost? I liked both names.

I kept on doing my patrols, fighting in battles, helping the Clan. But inside I was still puzzling over Berryfrost.

It came to me suddenly, like a flash of lightning. I had no idea why I hadn’t thought of it before. It was so obvious!

Why don’t I kill Berryfrost?

I had killed a cat once before. A rouge who was trying to kill my brother. There was nothing else I could do to save him. And a WindClan warrior who died later of the injuries that I had contributed to. Not all, but some.

And I had killed countless pieces of prey over the moons.

This would be different, though. This would be intentional. A Clanmate. A medicine cat.

Murder.

But it was  Berryfrost. She had stolen everything from me. Surely StarClan would approve of her death. Surely it was the only way to get my revenge.

But I had to plan carefully. I knew my Clanmates wouldn’t see it as an act of heroism. They are one-sided, only seeing that I would kill their medicine cat apprentice. Fox-hearts.

I still had to pick a time and place where no one but Berryfrost would be. I had to find a way to make her death look accidental or at least, not done by me. A clear other factor.

I had to make it look like just a random tragedy. Poor ThunderClan, their medicine cat apprentice died. Cry, cry, cry, there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

//-//

Sunblaze’s plan: Stage 1

That’s what I thought as I told Darkbird that I was going hunting and left camp to complete the first stage in my plan to kill Berryfrost.

First, I left my territory. I had to get what the Clan needed most – juniper berries. I knew WindClan had a stock from Berryfrost telling Shadeflower and Morningstorm after the half-moon medicine cat meeting at the Moonpool. I could easily go around the lake, but that would be obvious and stupid.

I pad along for a while. I’m not in absolute clear view of the border and WindClan territory, but close enough to see gaps of the moor and stream through the trees. Far enough away that I don’t seem suspicious, but close enough to see easily.

My, aren’t I such a clever thief.

I don’t let even the slightest hint of a smile cross my face as I continue on, padding as quietly as I can without going full-on stalking, which would look suspicious if anyone were to find me.

Unconsciously I realize that this is the route that Hollyheart and Berryfrost take to the Moonpool every half-moon.

After a while, I smell the border marking the edge of Clan territory. I cross it without much hesitation. To be honest, I’m relieved to leave Clan territory, where cats could come across me. Here, I can pretend to be just another rogue, slipping quietly through the forest,  accidentally  near the WindClan border, but not close enough to be chased off. Not close enough to identify my pelt. Maybe close enough to catch a whiff of ThunderClan scent, but hopefully they’ll think it’s from the border.

The farther from ThunderClan I get, the less likely they will believe my story. But I keep going. I have to.

Luckily it’s early enough that there’s not many cats out, and I miss the dawn patrol. They probably went to the RiverClan border. Idiots, but it works for me. Thanks, StarClan.

Now comes the dangerous part.

I roll in a patch of mushrooms to disguise my scent, wrinkling my nose. Ugh, it looks like I’m in for a good wash later. Yuck. But it works. I don’t really smell like Sunblaze, at least not to any WindClan cat, and the ThunderClan scent just barely lingers, a tiny taste that’s easy to mistake.

There’s still the matter of cats recognizing me for my features, but I just have to lie low and hope that doesn’t happen.

I cross through the territory, grab the juniper berries, and leave.

But just when I think I’m safe, I hear a whisper. “Sunblaze!”

Great.

I quickly drop the berries and turn to see Rabbitsong standing on the other side of the border, staring at me.

She’s about my age, and we’ve been friends while our Clans are at peace. It  would  be her who recognizes me, despite all my efforts to stay hidden.

“What are you doing? You were just trespassing!”

I lift my chin high, letting arrogance fill my mew. “I’m a medicine cat apprentice now. Clan boundaries don’t apply to me.” It’s a lie, but a small one, seeing what will be happening soon.

Her eyes widen. “What happened to Berryfrost? Or Hollyheart?”

I drop my gaze and lash my tail, hoping that Rabbitsong will take my annoyance for grief. “None of your business.”

She steps back. “Oh… Well, I’m sorry.” Then she’s just a pale brown blur running along the moor.

I let out a tiny sigh of relief, pick up the berries, and leave. I don’t want her to come back.

//-//

Sunblaze’s plan: Stage 2

I have the berries. I’m back in ThunderClan, but just barely. I managed to avoid other WindClan cats and my Clanmates. I caught two mice to convince anyone that came by that I had been hunting. I was hiding.

I was just waiting for Berryfrost.

//-//

At last I see her pelt and smell her scent. She is padding through the trees, ears pricked, tail raised. Looking for juniper berries that she thought she wouldn’t find. I have to admire her determination in coming out and looking, but it led her straight into my trap.

I saw her eyes widen when she saw the berries, just lying there casually at the roots of my tree. No doubt she could smell my scent on them, but I didn’t care. My scent was all over the territory. I am a ThunderClan cat, for StarClan’s sake!

“Crowshade?” she murmurs, almost too quiet for me to hear. I almost thought I had imagined it.

But then Berryfrost lifts her head and sniffs the air again.

“I know you’re there, Sunblaze. I can smell you.”

Darn it! I guess the mushrooms wouldn’t work for a Clanmate anyway.

She frowned when she got no response. “Sunblaze?” she called again, a little less certainty in her voice. “What…?”

Before she can move I leap down on her, swift as a bird, quiet as a stalking hunter. She yelps in surprise, but I slap my tail over her mouth. I hear a muffled protest, but I don’t move.

In less than a heartbeat I have her pinned. Despite her tracking skills, she is extremely lacking in the fighting department.

She stares up at me with wide, horrified eyes, as I slowly unsheathe my claws. And then…

“Sunblaze, please don’t.”

I whip my head around as Hollyheart pads out of the trees. Her tail is drooping, her head and ears lowered. She looks sad and defeated.

But Berryfrost isn’t dead yet.

That makes no sense.

“Sunblaze, please don’t kill Berryfrost. If the time I spent with you meant anything, please…”

I growl. “Of course it meant something to me! That was my entire kithood! I was a medicine cat before I reached five moons!”

Hollyheart smiles sadly. “You were the best little helper any medicine cat could wish for.”

“Then why didn’t you make me your apprentice?!” I hiss furiously. “Why  her ?!”

Hollyheart’s eyes widen. “Is  that  what this is all about? Something that happened moons ago? Something that I thought you wouldn’t care about once you were an apprentice?”

My eyes narrowed to slits. “Of course I care! I’ve always cared! That was my whole life, and you stole it from me!”

Berryfrost shudders beneath my claws.

Hollyheart bowed her head. “Sunblaze, I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t know that it would affect you like this. You’re one of the best warriors in the Clan! You could be leader someday.”

“I could have been medicine cat,” I spit back.

Hollyheart sighs. “I made Berryfrost my apprentice because she asked, you know.”

What?

“She came to me a little before her ceremony and asked to be my apprentice. I thought you would be fine. I’d seen you, on the rare times when you played. You’re better off as a warrior, Sunblaze.”

“That’s true,” Berryfrost meowed quietly. I’d forgotten she was there

“I couldn’t hunt or fight. Tawnyshine and Starlingflight can do it so much better than I can. They always could. Even in kithood, when we were together. I wanted to be useful and spare myself and my family and Clan the embarrassment and disappointment.”

She ducked her head slightly. “And I thought we were friends.”

Only now did I remember the kind smiles Berryfrost had given me, how she treated my wounds with care, how her eyes followed me around camp. How she always asked if I was okay. I’d always thought it was medicine cat stuff.

“Swiftstar would be disappointed.”

Berryfrost breaks the silence.

“I don’t care,” I snarl.

“I requested that he be your mentor,” she continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “I thought it would help you. And he really cares about you, you know. If you kill me, your punishment would hurt him more than anything.”

“He loves you like a daughter. And I think I do too.”

I hear Hollyheart take in a sharp intake of breath.

“You’re only a moon older than I am,” I snort.

Berryfrost shakes her head. “Never mind. But what about Snowberry and Thrushfang and Rowanstem and Lilyshade, at least?”

I shake my head again, even though thoughts of them pang my heart. I know I would miss them, and so does Hollyheart. She’s always been so good at reading other cats. It was always something I admired about her.

I can tell she’s reading me now.

“You know you would miss them, Sunblaze. And Swiftstar.” Hollyheart mews.

Berryfrost drops her gaze, but Hollyheart stares at me full-on.

“No,” I snarl. “I’ll never miss him.”

“Yes you will,” she counters. So calm and sure of herself. And maybe it’s true.

“Just come back to camp with us, and we’ll pretend this never happened. You can stay with us. Please, Sunblaze.”

In answer, I step of Berryfrost. I hear their quiet sighs of relief.

We walk back to camp and pretend nothing happened.

But by the day after the Gathering, I am gone.

//-//

Berryfrost cries over Sunblaze. Over and over, in the quiet safety of the medicine den, where only Hollyheart can see her. Her mentor quietly sorts herbs, not wanting to disturb Berryfrost.

But everything disturbs her these days. Everything reminds her of Sunblaze. The beautiful, determined, skilled she-cat who would have been leader one day. Sunstar. It sounded so good, but it would never happened.

Berryfrost knew how much it would pain her to only be Sunblaze’s medicine cat, but it was the best she could get.

Not anymore.

At least she had confessed her love to Sunblaze. Berryfrost’s heart didn’t care that she was a medicine cat. It didn’t automatically freeze. She had to work to ignore it.

Maybe it was for the best that Sunblaze was gone.

But the Clan had lost a very valuable warrior.

Berryfrost glanced outside, watching Lilyshade pace the clearing. For a little while, they had grieved together, but then Snowberry, Sunblaze’s angry, grief-stricken mother, had told her to back off. That a friend’s grief couldn’t compare to a sister’s.

That’s all the Clan saw her relationship with Sunblaze as – friends.

But it was much more than that.

Maybe not to Sunblaze. But Berryfrost still hoped deep down that Sunblaze loved her.

And she would always love Sunblaze. No matter what.

But… Sunblaze was  gone.

Berryfrost stares down at her paws. Maybe if I tried harder…

She gulps and licks her chest fur quickly. I have to keep going. For the Clan.

For the Clan.

Trivia

 * It takes place in the Stream Falling universe but doesn't really interfere with the plot.
 * Berryfrost, despite being a medicine cat, is gay and loves Sunblaze.
 * Hollyheart only ever saw Sunblaze as her little cute helper and never a medicine cat.
 * Swiftstar is Sunblaze's uncle (Snowberry's sister), which is why he cares for her so much.