Just Another Surprise

Oh great now you guys have gotten me into a dark writing mood.

About the story
Just anouther surprise is another odd, random and probobly rather poorly written oneshot/poem thingy by RaggedOak.

Just Another Surprise
Just another surprize

It widens my eyes,

That is all.

Then I hear mother

The agony, the rain overflowed from her mouth and eyes,

Slumping in hopeless defeat.

Her father is dead.

I think of him now

A grouchy face, a torn whisker that I never knew more than I had to.

No emotions emerge.

And I don't know why.

He was so close in relation

But I feel no fear

He was taken so sudden

But I feel no anger

He was the first cat I lost

But I feel no loss

Just another surprize.

I feel for my mother.

Her depressed spirit does not bring me joy.

But how can I comfort her

When I don't feel what I am supposed to?

What should I feel?

It frustrates me,

So They believe I am in morning and try to help me

Slathering me in sticky sympathy I do not deserve.

Now I feel like a thief, and a liar.

Am I?

Am I rotten?

Am I evil,

if I don't feel?

Questions churn my mind.

And I feel nothing, nothing but frustration.

A stiff body is drug into the center of camp.

Mother tries to keep it warm,

And I watch.

Then They give me a nudge,

They think they know what I feel.

I see honey sweet sympathy drip from their eyes and mouths.

Sympathy that should be my mothers.

And I feel nothing, except like a worm.

Like a dark secret afraid of discovery, I pad quickly over to the corps,

And thrust my nose in fur I never knew.

I feel like an interruption in something sacred.

I feel like a foul insult.

And all I can do Is hold my breath and hope mother doesn't breath in my foul stench.

I feel nothing, nothing but cold during the long ritual.

Selfish Thoughts spin in my mind through this long night.

I think of getting out of training, I think of taking more sympathy

"Worm!”

I claw myself, in my mind.

But it doesn't help.

The vile, selfish thoughts haunt me all night long.

Pressed up to the very dead cats fur.

I know I shouldn't, and I know it's selfish,

but it's hard

When you don't care a whisker.

Morning comes, I fell asleep.

They say they understand, they say it's good for me to rest.

But guilt says something else.

Time to take that smelly lump of cold furr to its final resting place.

I am asked to help.

And I cant refuse, my mother who asks.

On the way I quietly listen to her tails of his greatness,

And hope with all my life she won't ask some from me.

My mother is sad, I don't want her to be sad,

But I wish I was.

I help dig a permanent nest for the cat I never knew,

an odd feeling,

Not a good one I’d have to say.

The stiff form is pushed in, and then covered in dark, freshly turned earth.

And I feel nothing.

I walk back to camp, mother is inconsolable, tails droop.

Cats evade looking me in the eyes, afraid of the sorrow they will imagine when they see me.

I am not what they expect of me,

But I can do nothing.

I will not hurt my mother with the truth.

But I will not hide it from myself,

I know It's selfish, it's cold and it's wrong

But a once near cat lies dead in the ground.

And I feel nothing, nothing at all.

Just another surprize.