Thread:Beechflight/@comment-31686202-20180111045334

So I was reading through your chapter for Poolstar’s Choice and I just wanted to tell you 2 things.

1. Your daydream idea was great and I thought the whole cut thing that Whiskerface couldn’t see was clever ^^ I like how you made Mossfoot fuss over Poolkit and your beggining was great. It really set up the camp well.

2. As much as I loved your characterisation of Mossfoot, Snakepaw, and so on, I didn’t feel much ‘emotion’ coming from Poolkit. When she saw the daydream/vision she didn’t seem to react, only forget about it as soon as Leopardkit called to her. When she got the cut, she didn’t wince and the conversation with Snakepaw seemed kinda awkward because even though Snakepaw’s character is revealed, Poolkit’s still seems to be locked inside. As in, she didn’t seem to b feeling anything.

I’m not getting annoyed at you at all, no I thought you did a fantastic job! I just suggest that you add one or two words here and there about how Poolkit felt in the different situations.

You know, she was shocked and confused and missed her mother after the vision but I didn’t seem to get that reading it. I don’t want you to think I’m not happy with your writing, I hope you don’t think that, I’m just suggesting you add a little bit more ‘emotion’

Thanks :P Hope you understand what I mean XD 