The Fighter

“You? Why ?” Darkfrost glared at me, his deep blue eyes narrowed to slits. “You’re  wrong. You’re wrong for commiting to this. You complete and utter rule bender. You should be setting an example! Instead you made a fool out of yourself and this family. I denounce you. Your sister is my only daughter. She will grow up to be a fine leader. You were supposed to be our prized medicine cat. You ruined all of that.” He gave me a final glare and turned, storming away. His silver-tipped tail lashed back and forth, neatly, perfect to the end.

“Help,” I croaked, my voice soft and creaking, full of pain. The only word I uttered since he came here. Such a pitiful word. A word my family would never allow me to say.

I watched him fade away into the trees, watching the swirling snow and rising fog blend together and mix with my surroundings until everything was a swirling, intelligible blob of gray, brown, and green.

He didn’t look back.

— I have one memory of my mother smiling at me – actually smiling, not a fake face she put on for others, smiling because of  me  and not what I’d do or done. At me. For me. Real.

Just one.

It’s hazy, since it was so long ago. One of my earliest memories. But the smile is clear. I  know  I didn’t dream it up, even though in any other memory I would’ve. That moment is crystal clear to me.

It was early newleaf, where the snow and bone-chilling cold and bareness of leafbare were gone, but it was crisp and just the right amount of cold, and sharp, bright green leaves were beginning to spring on the branches, their browns now so colorful now that the snow had left them. Goldenlily, only Goldenkit then, and I were playing in the short, crisp grass outside the nursery that had just sprung up. We played and tumbled, our fur dirtying, happy, a break from the long talks our parents gave. They were annoying at best then. Those were the days – before the real stress of existing set in, before Goldenlily left me, before my heart wandered, before my parents hated me, before I met Stormspirit and Moonwhisper, before my life became agony.

Rubyheart sat at the entrance of the nursery, her red fur gleaming like it always did, her eyes green like the leaves that were beginning to sprout, her tail soft and feathery and perfect. Her emerald eyes glimmered as she watched us play. Happy. Innocent. Carefree. Kits.

The corners of her mouth turned up.

I glanced back at her, my fern-green eyes bright, grinning and panting with exhaustion yet nowhere near stopping. I was too young to register what a moment that was. But as I grew up and was torn away from that life by my parents’ sharp and shining claws, I held on to that moment. It was a promise for a better life, for happiness, for change. Even after I realized that only the most drastic of measures could change my situation, I kept that moment close.

You could say it saved me, but only so I could suffer more. Yet at the same time it eased my pain, just a bit, made it bearable. What a luxury.

—

I was groomed for the life my parents wanted when I was a kit, yes, but it really kicked in when I was five moons old. One moon away from being made an apprentice and being set on my path for greatness. Goldenlily and I were like any other kit, excited beyond measure, practicing battle moves, begging the apprentices to teach us more. My father quickly put an end to that process, but for some reason Lilypaw and Reedpaw were always coming over to teach us. And he just sat proudly. I didn’t understand it then.

At that point, my parents gave us an assessment. My sister bossed people around and they listed. I, however, didn’t like that. Even though my parents drilled it into my head that I was important, it felt  wrong  for a kit to give orders to warriors. They had me sort plants. Boring, but I guess I did well. I also excelled in fighting, and I loved it.

Too bad for me, my parents had decided otherwise.

—

My fifth moon had been odd. My parents’ demands increased. Goldenlily was spending time with the leader and deputy, and she continued to fight with Lilypaw and Reedpaw. I spent time in the medicine den and learned about herbs, sorted more plants, and my fighting lessons stopped. I hated that. I argued endlessly with my parents and pestered every apprentice, even Spottedpaw who was less than a moon older than me (which earned me more lectures from my parents), but no luck.

The day of my apprentice ceremony came. Rubyheart groomed Goldenlily and me until our fur shone like hers. The entire Clan came out, watching us eagerly. We were important. Our ceremony would be one to watch. I heard Lilypaw and Reedpaw bragging to Olivepaw that they had been the ones to help Goldenlily (and me) learn to fight. Creekberry sat beside Ivystar, watching us with a grim smile.

Goldenlily was apprenticed to Ivystar. I was apprenticed to Creekberry.

A medicine cat and a leader. Two of the most important cats in the Clan.

Goldenlily was happy. I wasn’t.

—

My appreticeship carried on. I stood just outside, screaming at my parents. The Clan stared at first. Goldenlily hid her face and refused to speak to any of us. But soon it became “the norm.”

“You’re going to be a medicine cat, Silverpaw. One of the most important cats in the Clan. Accept your fate.”

“But I want to fight!”

“I pulled a lot of strings with my sisters to get you this apprenticeship!”

“Well, you shouldn’t have!”

“Listen to your father! Lots of cats would kill to be in your place, and you’re being a spoiled brat about it!”

“Well, let them have it! I can be deputy. What’s wrong with being deputy?”

“You aren’t a deputy, you’re a  leader. I will be leader one day, and so will your sister. That’s just how it goes.”

I lost every argument. No matter what I did, nothing changed. Creekberry tried to get me to accept my life and to enjoy being a medicine cat. She was a kind cat and a wonderful mentor, and I liked her. I liked parts of being a medicine cat. It wasn’t a bad job. I hated to see her sad, resigned face as I moped after yet another fight with my parents. She often joked and said I would be the “medicine warrior,” and that I had the spirit of a warrior. But not the claws or heart or life of one.

But I met  them. And they changed everything.

—

As a medicine cat apprentice, I went to every Gathering. Goldenlily did too, since we were important. But it was mandatory for me either way. The other medicine cat apprentice, Willowpaw, was dull and normal and happy. She was nice, but she understood nothing. She was a normal cat from a normal family and became a medicine cat apprentice because she didn’t want to fight. This was her life and she enjoyed every minute of it. I couldn’t understand that. She couldn’t understand why I wanted to fight. She wouldn’t debate with me, only stuck her prim nose in the air and declared that we must agree to disagree. I sulked and agreed. My parents often compared me to her, scolding condescendingly that she was from a normal family yet she was doing better than me. It was a disgrace.

The talk of the other medicine cats quickly bored me, so after a few minutes during one particularly dull Gathering I wandered away from the conversation about the uses of tree roots. I didn’t head in to the main clearing, for fear my parents or sister would find and scold me, but instead off into the forest at the edge of the island. I could hear the waves lapping at shore but felt no desire to go to them. Instead I wandered, keeping out of view of both the clearing and the water.

But I wasn’t the only one with that idea. I turned a corner and found two cats, one dark gray as storm clouds, one pale silver as the moon. Their names came easy, Stormspirit and Moonwhisper, new warriors of another Clan. I had heard their names announced at the previous Gathering. Their parents had good naming. Unlike mine, who named my sister and I for precious metals, beautiful things, far beyond any cat’s reach, and winners. At least they figured out I’d be behind my sister.

They weren’t condescending or respectful because of my family or position. They didn’t expect me to conform to a certain way.

They introduced the idea of breaking the rules. Not following tradition. Disobedience.

Disobeying my parents.

What a strange concept.

With them I gained a new sort of freedom, a wild, reckless life on the edge. We snuck out to meet, complained about our lives. They taught me the most dangerous battle moves. I taught them herbs that could kill. We were nearly caught mice, they and I, always on the brink of disaster, always fleeing.

They brought me to my own peril.

—

I had been given a name by then, Silverblossom, Beautiful. Not matching me. Matching my sister and my family and what I was meant to be. What I wasn’t.

Ivystar, the kind and distant leader I had known my whole life, had lost her final life.

My father, Darkfrost, became leader. My mother cheered her heart out. My sister, gifted with her own young and privileged apprentice by then, became deputy.

I could not stand it.

I remembered what Stormspirit had whispered in my ear. “ If it comes to dictatorship, save yourself before it’s too late. ”

It had come to that. I was on the brink of peril, fearing for myself. My father was ruthless.

As soon as his first meeting was over, I broke for the camp entrance. I heard my name called but didn’t turn back. I was far beyond the obidenent little apprentice now.

As I hurried out I realized I had no plan. It’s fine. I’ll go live with Stormspirit and Moonwhisper and be a normal cat. Be a warrior. Like I’ve always wanted.

But something felt wrong.

As my paw leaped for the border, I felt something touch the back of my neck. Pain exploded like nothing before. I felt something salty and wet trickle down my back and tint the ground red as I fell.

And my story ends. No happy endings here,