Remedies, Reimagined

Notes: A continuation of (Bitter)Sweetheart. Warning for romanticizing unhealthy relationships

1.
I've tried everything but I can't forget. I tried drowning my memories. I tried drowning myself. I tried screaming both of their names from the roof. Mallowleaf. Cherie. Love does funny things to you, it burns you from the inside out. I tried putting out the fire. I tried smearing rosemary all over my body. I tried to smile. I tried to laugh, but it felt less like laughter and more like slaughter. I tried to watch, to listen, to be mindful. I tried to hear my own heartbeat. It was loudest after I sprinted through the woods, fearing for my life. It was throbbing, pulsing, booming. I wasn't ready to feed myself to the foxes.

2.
I met my father's new mate, former sidechick, Lilac. I hate her because she's nice, nicer than my mother ever was. She told me she was terrible at playing hero, her smile was always crooked and thorns snagged her pelt when she saved someone. She knew we despised her, but she said she was going to love us like we were her own kits. We were going to be a real family. I told her she was evil. Rotten. Her soul was pitch black and infested with maggots. Patchtail called her vicious. She took Mallowleaf, our real mother, away from us. He wanted her to die. She was sorry we felt that way. Lilac must have told our father, Sleetfall, because he slapped us both before we went to sleep. His own version of a lullaby.

3.
Patchtail has a tom, his name is Oak. Oak licks lightning, holds his breath until it hurts, Oak likes to play with fire. Oak met Patchtail on the roof, the roof where I fell for Cherie. Patchtail dug his claws into Oak and threatened to tear him up. Oak smiled while his cuts cried bloody tears. I watched them from afar and saw nothing but pain. Patchtail hitting Oak, cutting Oak, completely breaking in front of Oak. Oak held him and did nothing but hold him. Part of me wanted to tell Oak this was unhealthy, but I was so captivated when they said 'I love you', the same way I said it to Cherie and she said it to me. Patchtail caught me watching thwm, but he didn't push me against the wall or yell and bite. He told me not to tell Sleetfall, and that was it. I didn't tell Sleetfall and Mallowleaf about Cherie. I didn't even tell Patchtail. I am the only one who knew her, and if all goes well, I'll forget. Eventually, nobody will remember the color of her eyes or the way she walked either. 4.